I was first exposed to pornography when I was 6 years old. I was a very curious child, so I google searched many things related to the subject of sex and in just a few short weeks, I was watching hardcore pornography. Yes, you read that right — I was only 6 years old and I was consistently watching hardcore porn.
Before I could even multiply, I was watching adults have graphic sex. I was absolutely fascinated, entranced, stimulated, totally high, and so amazed at this incredible world of sex and fantasy. It was literally a drug. I recall times of having large tremors (shaking tremendously) from watching pornography because of how incredibly stimulating it was to view. Pornography remained the one constant in my life.
Throughout my entire childhood and teen years, and now my young adulthood, I was sex-obsessed. This obsession with sex was unquestionably due to pornography, at least in my childhood…
Long before I had a date with a girl, held hands with a girl, or even before I had my first kiss, I was watching graphic sexual content as a child. This unquestionably messed up my mind developmentally, as my sexual and romantic experiences were almost entirely learned from, and rooted in, pornography.
In my mind, girls existed only to please the sex drive of males. Is this a horrible view to have? Yes. Can a child truly understand how horrible this view is? No.
Pornography and masturbation have become how I cope with every single problem in life. Rejected? Watch porn and masturbate. Feeling lonely, unwanted, and unloved? Watch porn and masturbate. Feeling suicidal? Watch porn and masturbate. It is the literal vice that I use to cope with every single negative feeling I ever feel, primarily feeling lonely, unloved, rejected, and not understood by society and by the people I know.
I tried to stop, but I was caught in a cycle of continually relapsing after only a day or a few of progress. And after many years of fighting, I completely lost hope when I was 17. Thus began the era of constantly giving into porn usage multiple times a day, every single day, almost compulsively.
I simply had no energy to try anymore. I believed it was futile, that everything I would try would ultimately end in a relapse.
Because of pornography and other issues in my life, I nearly had 3 suicide attempts in the past year. My brain is completely and totally centered around the pursuit of a sexual high. This occurs through compulsive, almost constant porn usage. Because my addiction started at such a young age, the pathways for pornography in my brain are so deeply entrenched that it will take a colossal miracle to even begin to undo the damage.
I still often fantasize as to how amazing my life could have been had I never been exposed to porn. I know for sure I would have accomplished so much more academically and elsewhere, and my first experience with anything romantic would occur with an actual date, not watching videos of people having sex. I would not feel mentally empty and hollow because of the effects of porn. I would truly be living my life, as opposed to just existing.
I want more than anything to be a faithful and loving and amorous husband to a beautiful Christian wife, start a family, have an incredibly fulfilling and influential career, and truly change and impact the world. All of these will remain a fantasy so long as I constantly use pornography to cope with every single negative emotion that I have buried deep down in my subconscious.
Pornography has stolen and dominated my entire life. It still rules my life entirely to this day, over 13 years after I initially viewed porn as a curious 6-year-old boy. Will I ever be free from its complete and total ironclad grip? God only knows. I hope so, but I am not too optimistic. I only know to warn others of the dangers that porn poses.
Stories like Victor’s feel overwhelmingly hopeless. But the truth is, there’s a massive opportunity to protect children from porn exposure if porn sites require age verification, with ID, for all site visitors. Sign our petition today to help push this cause forward.
Get help. If you or someone you know is struggling with a porn addiction or has been hurt by childhood exposure to porn, visit exoduscry.com/pcnp/resources/ for resources.
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